Where has all my confidence gone? Long time passing...

I'm not really sure where it went, but all of a sudden I've lost a love of my life and I don't know how or why. I can remember, in Canada, feeling good, really good. I knew who I was, I met good people who I really liked, I was comfortable.

Today, I looked at what I was wearing, and I loved all of it. My necklace, the shell bought in my favourite bead shop on 4^th in Vancouver. The bracelet P brought from Australia, that I adore. A perfect red telephone-wire bracelet I found in the perfect art shop in a little seaside town today. A pretty cleavage top! The skirt I made with my mum, the wonderful greens with the Xhosa-style stripes. My crochet shoes that I love despite the holes in the soles. The handbag made from ring-pulls, a prototype from the township. My short fringe and my little sparkly nosestud. I’ve lost a stone for heaven's sake.

All of these things make me happy. And yet I’m not. There's something happy that used to be there and isn’t any more.

Maybe I've just been bumped into the reality of life. Maybe a mugging and a child's funeral and leaving most of my friends on the other side of the world isn't a recipe for inner peace. Who knows.

Time for some Tandisa Nkonyeni:

Face The Pain

And still we build our La-La-Lands.
Always fleeing our hurt, always lying to ourselves.
Strong in our weak illusions, we build our fragile lives.
Unaware that, sooner or later, pain will face us, we carry on.

Growing weaker and weaker, with false confidence we try to build;
And, like any weak people, ignorantly destroy.
Unwilling to face the pain, we lose all sense of self.
And always we resort to illusions to strengthen us up.

Unaware of the amused patience of pain, we carry on.
Unwilling to finally admit – we are only human – we carry on.
Running away from the inevitable, we think we carry on.
And always, always, our silent partner gently leads us along.

A few days...

My new favourite poet is Tandisa Nkonyeni:

Madness

Madness does not come roaring and shouting at us to join it.
Rather it offers a gentle hand,
A kind smile filled with understanding never before encountered.
And leads us down a silent and gentle road.

Madness offers no fear, no pain, no confusion.
It is a friend in a lonely and isolated life.
It offers peace when once there was screaming pain.
Madness is sanity in a world gone insane.

photos

a friend and her dog!


taking photos to keep us busy


barbed wire


friends, saying farewell